“You need to learn how to love yourself,” he said to me as we sat in the dimly lit restaurant polishing off the last of our spicy margaritas.
I stared at him in utter disbelief; it was as if I had been punched in the face. I was unable to utter a word. As they say, nothing hurts more than the truth.
My ego wanted to give him the middle finger and tell him where to go. Our fling was over, so he had some nerve telling me what to do.
But my heart knew that he was right. He had exposed me — called me to the carpet. He had opened my eyes to the work that I needed to do.
From the outside looking in, it seemed like I loved myself. I was fit and trim, lived in a great apartment, always had the latest clothes, and I was finally starting my dream company.
But behind the facade, I had racked up debt to keep up my lifestyle. I was so stressed and anxious that I couldn’t eat very much. I had stayed in a toxic job for far too long that made me question my intelligence and self-worth. And to top it off, I was casually dating a man who really didn’t want to be with me — all because I somehow thought that I didn’t deserve any better.
And then, when shit really hit the fan (these are stories for another day), I realized that my lack of self-love was at the center of the stink storm that I found myself in.
So, “How do you love yourself?” I found myself googling this exact question late one evening in my parents’ basement. Fancy apartment gone, cool clothes listed on eBay so I could have some extra cash, and the whole facade was gone. With nothing left, I had nothing but the space that I needed to embark on a self-love journey.
With a ton of surrender and mindfulness, I learned the following about loving myself:
1. A lack of self-love caused me to say yes when I really meant no. I learned to own the power of my noes.
I was stuck in a pattern of saying yes to people, places, and commitments that didn’t serve my best interest. This left me stretched, tired, and unable to focus my time and energy on the things that I really wanted to do. As I learned to love myself, I gave myself permission to do less, rest more, and respect my deepest desires. I also learned that “no” is a complete sentence — no justifications or explanations are needed. I learned to lovingly celebrate every time that I honored my needs by setting boundaries and saying no — no matter whom I disappointed in the process.
2. I was apologizing for my existence by constantly saying “sorry.” I learned to unapologetically take up space, make mistakes, and be human.
I realized that I was always saying “sorry,” even if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. If I accidentally almost got in the way of someone at the store, I would say “sorry.” Even if I hadn’t bumped the person. I was apologizing for not understanding things at work, scurrying into Sorrytown when I couldn’t make an event that a friend wanted me to go to, or “sorrying” my way into a panic if I made even the slightest mistake. All of this apologizing was keeping me small, and it was an unloving reminder to myself that I wasn’t “good enough” or “perfect enough.” I realized that instead of being sorry for who I was, I needed to embrace the magic, beauty, and messiness of my every moment on this earth.
3. My “perfectionist” humble brag was a total lie. I decided to spend my energy taking care of myself from the inside out.
I spent so much time trying to be “perfect.” Buying the perfect clothes, being the perfect student, being the perfect friend, and acting like the perfect girlfriend. Now I look back on the load of hooey and I shudder. I spent so much precious energy pretending to be someone I wasn’t that I didn’t even know who I truly was. It took years of unraveling (and it is a continuous journey to this day) to get back to the essence of who I really am, and who I continue to evolve into. Slowly but surely, I embraced my authentic self, my true passions, and I started to love what makes me uniquely me.
4. If others deserved second and third chances, then I did as well.
This relates to the perfectionism complex but needs to be called out on its own, because it completely shifted my life. I started to think about all of the times that I had given others second, third, and one-billionth chances when they had hurt me or let me down. However, if I did one thing wrong, I would speak to myself negatively and unlovingly scold myself. “How could you be so stupid?” and “How come you can’t get it right?” are some of the things I would unconsciously say to myself. I needed to clean up the poor language that I was using to speak to myself. I learned how to surrender and forgive myself by using positioning, empowering, and uplifting language if I totally screwed up. By embracing my humanity, I was free to live without restraint.
The journey to love myself is ever-evolving. So, I feel like I’m in no position to give you some clever summary statement about finding self-love. But I will say this: Each day I try to be my own BFF, big sister, wise aunt, or the like and treat myself with compassion, empathy, and respect. And that alone is enough.
