So, previously I spoke about messy roommates. Well, hello again. Now I’m here to talk about domestic equality and your messy lover (wink).
I know you fell in love. He is gorgeous; it’s the way he smiles and pushes his hair back and smells like cedarwood.
But the sexiness isn’t enough to overlook crumbs in the bed and dirty laundry that has somehow exploded everywhere in the house.
It’s hard enough sharing your personal space. But for it to be messy and smelly is too much. The dirty laundry and pile of dishes are not your responsibility.
So why should you have to listen to a dismissive grunt when you nicely ask for them to be cleaned up?
All right, I’m a stubborn person. But I have to admit there have been many occasions when I’ve cleaned up after my partner (who will remain anonymous).
Many of my friends have the same story.
In fact, I find it baffling to hear so many of my girlfriends casually talk about how they cook and clean and do just about everything – and have been for years. Isn’t this the twenty-first century? Aren’t women supposed to be seen as equal and therefore share the housework?
Well, guess again: Modern-day life does not come with domestic equality, just the illusion of it.
Women today are expected to have jobs and bring an income into the household – while still doing all the jobs around the house, raising children, working out, being educated, and the list goes on.
Is it just me, or is this frustrating?
I, for one, have decided that I won’t be drained of my energy by lechers around me taking joy rides on the fruits of my labor. This includes—most importantly, may I add?—my partner in crime.
The challenge of sharing domestic duties – without killing each other
Being that my partner and I are both artists, we both spend lots of time making art and hiding like crabs in the house to give life to our masterpieces. It goes without saying that spending so much time in a space with someone can make you go nuts.
I have learned through sweat and tears the right way to make this delicate and beautiful creative space something that is beneficial for both parties.
First, you have to have separate creative studios (or, in my case, corners). One person could be in the bedroom and the other in the living room, but they shouldn’t work in the same space (at least, not in my case).
Sharing is caring, and spending endless hours in one space can be boring after a while, so swapping creative spaces is actually refreshing.
As for cleaning and eating, those can be tricky. In the past, I found myself handling most of the tasks related to these. That meant I cooked when we both had to eat and cleaned when the place got dirty. I even did the laundry for both of us.
I spent so much time cleaning that I had little time left over to actually create anything. And even when there was time, I was simply too exhausted to think creatively — I just wanted to watch a movie and fall asleep.
The reality is that caring for someone else is a full-time job, and responsibilities shouldn’t just be assumed.
The key that helped us attain better domestic equality
After a while, I broke down in frustration and confronted my partner for the lack of effort. All I wanted was for domestic duties to be balanced. And no matter how many times I got “I appreciate you” or “thank you”, I simply wasn’t happy. I started to feel like I was being ungrateful, which led to being passive-aggressive.
The passive-aggressive behavior on my part kept on escalating until I felt nothing except defeat.
Whoa…what a horrible ending! I realized that my passive-aggressiveness wasn’t because of my lack of effort or stubbornness but because of my lack of education.
Yes, ignorance is a big weakness in many people and makes us do things we aren’t proud of. I started to educate myself on why domestic equality was so important to me, beyond just “Well, because I want to live in a clean home.”
When a woman is assumed to be solely responsible for all the housework, that can be crippling.
The weight of cleaning the house and cooking every day is not entirely the problem.
The bigger problem is that the weight of the past is also being carried — the weight of all the women who spent their lives cleaning and cooking in a domestic prison.
These women are not so far back in our history. They are our mothers, our grandmothers, our aunts, and our cousins. Generations today are not being taught that this is a cycle that needs to be broken. This was an eye-opener for me.
Once I spoke of this and told my friends and family that this was a bigger problem than a clean house, I got the most beautiful responses.
My partner listened to me with an open mind and fully realized what I had been suffering through. Thanks to my ability to explain my mental turmoil, I gained allies among my friends too, who also become determined to work toward better domestic equality. And my boyfriend finally began helping me with cleaning and cooking.
Final thoughts
I genuinely believe that education is power. To be able to not only explain your thoughts but also understand them is a great joy. Education allows us to learn from negativity and trauma. It allows us to understand the roots of problems. With education, we can make the world a better place, have better relationships, and feel stronger and empowered.
Educating yourself about what you struggle with is you taking full responsibility and creating your own happiness.
Whether you want to improve domestic equity in your home or anything else, change is possible.
Happiness is not something that happens to you, but rather something you can make happen, manifest, create, and control. It’s all about practice and educating yourself on these subjects to create a stronger mind.
I am, of course, still learning about domestic equality. But I can tell you this: Taking responsibility for my emotions, reactions, intentions, etc. was the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s not scary – it’s freeing.
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