It’s 3 a.m., but you can’t sleep. Almost mechanically, you reach for your phone, and the blue light from the screen makes you scrunch up your eyes as you peer at your notifications.
Nothing.
He didn’t text you. You put your phone down, fall back into bed, and pull the covers over your head.
You feel worthless, alone, sad.
He didn’t text you.
A million thoughts run through your head. You rack your brain, looking desperately for a reason for this silence. Inevitably, you blame yourself.
I must be so boring. He’s probably found someone way better and prettier than me. No wonder he’s not texting me — I’m a freak. I may as well start adopting stray cats and resign myself to living alone for the rest of my life!
If you can relate at least a little to any of the above, I want you to hear this loud and clear: You’re not unlovable or weird for getting ghosted. Though there could be a lot of reasons, the most probable is this: They’re simply not motivated enough to make it work.
I know this might sound devastating, especially if you can already see yourself buying a house and shopping for baby clothes together. But I promise it isn’t.
In fact, it’s a good thing.
Yes, you read that right — getting ghosted is a good thing. It might not feel like it, but it is. Here’s why: It shows you what kind of person they are upfront.
Have you ever wished people came with 30-second trailers so you could have a better idea of what you were getting yourself into?
Well, in a sense, people do come with trailers.
You can tell a lot about someone by just observing how well their words match up with their actions. And that includes what they don’t do.
Listen: When life gets complicated, as it inevitably does, you want someone who will not only stick around but who will also help you get through tough times — not someone who will leave at the earliest opportunity.
If you end up getting into a long-term relationship and having kids with someone, you’re going to be facing a whole new set of challenges, like how to raise balanced children who aren’t sugar-addicted monsters by the age of 18 months, how to balance work and your relationship and friendships and some semblance of a personal life without going insane, etc.
So when someone who presumably claims to be invested in you drops off the face of the earth for no clear reason, move on. Immediately.
I once met someone whose partner literally left her as she was giving birth to their child.
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to take a wild guess and assume the last thing you want is to end up with someone who would treat you like that.
And you know what?
Someone who would disappear without explanation when things are seemingly going well is not the kind of person who would miraculously stick around when things are going poorly.
It’s not like he’s going to suddenly see the light and race back into your arms if you lose your job, put on a few pounds, or (heaven forbid!) get older.
No.
If he’s not willing to play an active role in your life now and be as committed as you are now, the likelihood that he will become a super committed guy in the future is about as likely as a cannibal suddenly going vegan.
(Weird example, granted, but it’s true.)
The kind of person you should want to be with would never leave you hanging without explanation because they would be considerate of your feelings. On the contrary, they would want nothing better than to stay in touch with you, especially if they can’t see you in person much.
Believe me — I know firsthand how hard it can be to let go of dreams you may have built around a person. I know how hard it can be to see all your close friends enter seemingly happy, functional relationships and feel left behind.
But I also know it’s even harder to try to keep someone interested in the vain hope things will work out, only to wake up years later with the nagging fear that you spent a lot of time and energy on someone who never wanted the same future as you did.
The fact is, no matter what some people may tell you, it’s not your job to keep him interested. It’s not your job to bend over backward for him so he won’t get tired of you and move on to the next woman.
If he’s not pulling his weight — if he’s only bringing anxiety and confusion to the table — say goodbye.
If he’s not sure about you, that’s a bad sign
Here’s something I’ve noticed. Often, when someone isn’t interested but doesn’t want to say it, they’ll say something like, “I care about you, but I just want to be friends for now.”
Here’s the thing: If someone is genuinely interested in being in a romantic relationship with you, they won’t want to be “just friends for now”. They’ll want to be in a committed relationship with you. This goes back to my point about being considerate of your feelings. The right person for you will realize what a catch you are. They won’t want to play games that could put them in danger of losing you.
Here’s an example: A few years ago, a family friend in his late twenties was in a relationship with someone who was about his age. She wanted to get married and kept asking him if he saw a future with her or not. His answer was always the same: He just wasn’t sure.
At the time, I assumed he had commitment issues. I assumed the thought of getting married made him break out in hives.
But I was wrong.
After they finally broke up, he found someone else and married her instead. Now they have two kids and seem reasonably happy.
What’s the moral of this story?
It’s this: That guy didn’t have commitment issues. If he had, it would probably have taken him much longer to decide to get married at all.
The truth was that he just didn’t want to marry his first girlfriend. And for whatever reason, he didn’t want to say it. So they dated for years only to have their relationship end on what must have been a frustrating note.
Ultimately, you can avoid situations like this. Make sure the person you’re interested in is also interested in you — and isn’t just keeping you around until someone “better” shows up. Otherwise, there’s no point to the relationship.
Final thoughts
Players play games with your feelings and leave you. But the kind of people you should want to date are clear about their intentions. If they don’t see a future with you, they tell you — they don’t just disappear. And if they do see a future with you, they tell you with their actions, not just their words.
So if someone disappears without a trace, put them behind you and go on with your life. Your future self will thank you.
This article first appeared on Medium.
