When I was about nine years old, I started taking figure skating classes.
Every Saturday morning, my older sister would drive me to the rink, and every few months, I had to pass a test to get to the next level.
It was a challenge, but I loved it. I had a wonderful group of friends and a fantastic skating coach who had once been a professional ice dancer.
I was in awe of her.
Even after all these years and all the coaches I’ve had, I’ve never forgotten her for one specific reason: She believed in me wholeheartedly.
Once, right after I had passed one of my tests, I went to see her with a huge goofy grin on my face and told her I had passed with flying colors.
I knew she would be pleased. Most importantly, I knew she would be honest with me about my results. Still, her response startled me because I had never heard it before.
What was her response? She didn’t say, “I’m impressed!” or “Wow, Luba — you did so well for your age!”
No.
She looked at me, smiled a genuine smile, and said, “I’m not surprised.”
Words have meaning
It’s taken me years to truly understand her words and why they were much more impactful than if she had said “I’m so impressed!” like everyone else.
Before I explain why, though, I want to clarify something: Most people who say things like, “Wow, you’re amazing!” genuinely mean it.
Parents say it, teachers say it, friends say it — in short, everyone says it. It’s as common as the air we breathe.
But here’s what I’ve realized recently: They’re not flattering words. At all.
Here’s why:
Saying “I’m so impressed!” really means, “I’m surprised by what you’ve accomplished because I didn’t think you could do it.”
See the problem?
Instead of telling people they always had it in them to succeed, we tell them, “Wow, I really didn’t think you were capable of this.”
Set a higher standard
There’s a reason I worked so hard to get better at skating — even at nine.
It was because I was surrounded by good influences at the rink. I was surrounded by people who genuinely thought I could attain whatever I wanted.
Today, all these years later, I can say this with confidence:
There is nothing that matters more to a little kid than to know that people believe in them — that people see their efforts and their hard work and tell them:
“I always knew you had it in you to deliver these results.”
Why does it matter so much? Because many people don’t have a single person in their life telling them they can do anything they want.
At home, no one told me I was capable of doing great things.
But when I was at the rink, it was different. That’s why my instructor’s words were special to me.
If you believe in others, regardless of how old they are, they will accomplish more than they ever thought themselves capable of.
I know, because I’ve experienced it time and time again.
So, set high expectations. Be there for anyone who could use some encouragement. Sometimes, that’s all a person needs to realize their own potential.
Tell people you’re proud of them
If you want to have a lasting impact on someone, let them know how much you believe in their abilities. Don’t look shocked when they succeed.
For example, one of my friends was taking a college class years ago and handed in an outstanding paper.
She had worked hard to produce something that met a high standard, and she had every reason to be proud.
When the professor read it, though, she said, “I’m going to have to report you for plagiarism.”
Without asking any questions, the professor had automatically assumed that my friend was not capable of producing high-quality work.
Instead of encouraging and supporting her, the instructor doubted.
Isn’t that sad?
(But the story ends well. Despite the professor’s negative comments, my friend ended up getting a doctorate!)
Bottom line
There’s nothing wrong with saying things like, “I’m so impressed!”
As I’ve said, most people mean well when they say it.
But if you want to leave a lasting impression on someone and make them feel extra special when they achieve their goals, consider smiling and saying:
“I’m not surprised.”
This article first appeared on Medium.
